The Mercenaries
by Montysmypython
Summary: A small collective of girls. One tank. If you need to win a match and if you can afford them, maybe you can higher ... The Mercenaries (This is a one shot chapter)


**The mercenaries**

_So yeah, I'm the narrator for this story weird huh, breaking the fourth wall like a cheap Deadpool rip off but as a cute girl commanding a fucking tank. I wonder how I sound like when you read this, I'm a girl of course. Do I sound like a female Ryan Reynolds sexy female impersonation or what? I think I speak like a not safe for work lady Penelope. If you must know what I look like imagine a Maho lookalike but without the hair dresser having a seizure half way through, my long brown hair with a blond streak in it because I'm edgy. My looks could sweep any boys off their feet, Like Kays ability to be useless as well as incompetent at the same time. So where was I. Narrator, Maho, Jab at Kay blah blah. Oh yes, your thinking like one, why am I reading this story? It's only one chapter and it had a cool name and this is a complete waste of time. My answer is yes, yes it is. So if you wish to continue… proceed, do so at your own risk. I'm Helen Golding, I know a great British name, the writer is reeeeeeeal original. Me and my crew are well… a bit odd as we are Tankery mercenaries. Hay, wait what? You can't do that? You may think, which is what my first thought would be. We are all home schooled and we have our own tank, but we can be added to a school's squad by being 'transferred' and we win them the match. It's that simple, we make a pretty good buck for those who are willing to pay for our services. I know you can't see but I'm winking right now. Ok now to update you on our current situation that you find ourselves in, our tank is being surrounded and where up against Ooarai. Yeah that Ooarai the one with the runaway kid, who has a mum with real issues who really needs to be put on one of them midday argue family squabble shows. 'My mum kicked me out onto the streets as I didn't win a match now I'm pregnant with 6 kids.' Would sound like a good tag line. Oh and she has some weird friends, one who's into plants, the other who has 'Low blood pressure.' Ok darling sure, she's probably tripping balls as we speak, and one tank nerd that werhaboos love to hate. And some ginger girl who is disparate for some vitamin D wink wink. They are like the power rangers, when combined they make the Mega Tigerzord of Tankery teams, making them the world's greatest Tankery crew, after like 2 matches. _

"Well let me introduce you to my crew we have the commander the one the only me. We have the gunner called G, the loader called L, a bow gunner called B _Like I have no idea why we have one but hay_ and the driver called D." _Because who needs character development?_

"Helen are you talking to yourself again, we're in a battle." G said looking back at her commander who had slapped her hand on her shoulder whilst she was monologuing about the crew. _They can't hear my Italic speech because its magic. _

"She's high on acid again!" L shouted over to G, as L rolled her eyes.

"No, I'm not, it's a Wednesday. What do you take me for?! Demi Lovato!" Helen shouted back at L her eyes twitching as she did so.

"Helen we need to get out of here or we're all kinds of fucked." D spoke calmly, well as calmly as an angry Scottish girl could in the situation, they were presently in.

"Listen ladies I can break the fourth wall, but I can't read the fucking chapter that's being written about us right now." L and G just looked at each other and nodded to each other in agreement. It was acid.

"We know Ooarai is going to come around the corner right, we will just sit here and wait for them. Or a Hetzer is going to ram into the back of our Super Pershing or some other wacky shit like that… But I have played 4D chess with them, as I have put a sticker on the back of the tank saying. 'touching without consent is illegal' so where safe unless they want to go to prison and I've seen what happens in there. I saw a streaming show on it and well … let's say you're in good stead if you are into the 'lady garden'." Helen exclaimed. "Now ladies our allies have rather let us down haven't they, let me have a word." She frantically began turning the dials on the radio set. "Maho, my dearest. You were somewhat, have been a complete and utter waste of time. Like Montysmyphony's writing levels … shit! Actually, worse than shit! Like watching the Girls und Panzer English dub shit!"

"Helen this was the plan, you came up with it and we agreed to it." Maho responded back coldly.

"Yes, but technically no. That was a dumb suggestion and you agreed so really it's your fault if I get knocked out ending this match."

"Reinforcements are heading your way, just hold out." Maho insisted urgently, as the radio whistled and popped with the noise of battle entering Maho's microphone.

"You better hurry, I got a feeling that I'm Lennie talking about the rabbits, with Miho pointing a gun to the back of my head!"

Helen looked to her crew, as they all looked towards her for her orders. "The plan is ladies… we will stay here, like we have been for the past 3 hours waiting for something to happen and win or lose the match. Or..." She said raising her index finger up as she spoke, _as an idea was rammed into her head by the writer _"…orwe can go full ham!"

The crew discussed this idea with each other. L nodded to G has she ducked her head into the drivers compartment who then told G what they thought with hushed whispers emanating from the driver's compartment. G lifted her head out and looked at Helen. "We have come up with a decision. We wish to stay here and play it safe, we're trapped in an urban area and Ooarai is hiding around here somewhere. If we go ham we are going to be toast."

"*Sad confused noises*" Said Hellen. "Fine, I'll do it myself." She spoke with a defeated tone to her voice, she lent back taking her old Ipod mini out from her inside pocket and plugging it into an aux cord next to the radio, then pressed play. The tank irrupted with deafening noise as 'ride of the Valkyries' played on the speakers inside and outside of the Super Pershing.

_What I like to do is play music LOUD, its scares the hell out of them and the enemy! This should draw Ooarai in, who doesn't like a little music?_

"Oops that wasn't meant to happen." Helen said turning down the volume.

"No! I saw you purposely do it." L screamed at her, L's face looking like she would like to do nothing more than to make her commander 'less annoying.' _Or to be alive. _

"I'm not going to lie… Yes, but I wanted 'Can't stop me' now by Queen. That's what you get if it's on shuffle." Helen laughed uncontrollably like a mad woman hugging her ribs.

"Tank, ahead M3 Lee." D yelled out, as B fired a burst at the Lee which instantly retreated back behind the corner. _Wow the bow gunners do stuff interesting._

"Great now where spotted. Thanks Helen." L yelled at her.

"Don't mention it." As she patted L's head. "They won't last long, D don't follow them, let's move to our final arena show down spot." Helen commanded. The tank moved forward trundling down the road passing the junction, but the Lee had disappeared, with large buildings on either side covering their flanks, with the odd small alleyway, as the speed began to increase with every second as the gears went higher and higher.

"Ok, the place is coming up on the left here! It Looks somewhat familiar to the final battle in the series because why not." Helen added.

"Helen half the stuff you say if complete gobbledygook." D retorted over the intercom.

Helen opened the commander's hatch and looked out of the Super Pershing. "Let's see how this goes." The rubble of tracks and a roar of an engine came from behind. "Ladies we have company!" As she looked behind her as the flag tank Panzer IV charged after them.

"D left here." Helen spoke rather nonchalantly with all the drama of the final battle taking place, as she checked her nails. The tank suddenly steered into the square under a gateway. Just in time as a shell fired from the Panzer IV missed the rear of the tank by a couple of inches.

"L, HE. G destroy the gateway. And change the song!" The turret swung around firing as it found it's target, hitting the arched gateway as the Panzer IV passed under it just in time. _Wow everyone is so lucky right._ The road was blocked it was 1 vs 1 flag … tank vs flag tank.

"Helen what are you doing are you dumb or something? Wait for tank support!" Maho yelled at her over the radio, as they finally reached Helens old position as the dust from the demolished gateway raised into the air above the surrounding buildings.

"Reeeelax." Helen said back with confidence brimming. "You don't understand that I have seen this before. No gas gas gas drifting today! Unlike your fate in the last battle against her. Te he." The tank began to sing out Panzer Battalion by Sabaton. "Oh, I love this one! Miho your missing out, the party tank is here and Ooarai girls get free entry." Helen shouted out blissfully in the direction of the pursuing brown tank.

The tanks spit, as they drove between buildings with them beginning to shoot at each other dodging each other's shells from one another. As Helen had her eyes closed, playing an air guitar outside the tank, Kicking G's in shoulder in time with the beat.

_So let's end this high intensity battle to take a word from our sponsor World of VPN websites. Need a website for all your lewds? A VPN to see the lewds without your friendly neighbourhood FBI agent knocking on your mums basement door? And a world of something… for the lewds? Click the link in the description to save yourself money with a 69% discount Wow! Only if I had a partner to … Which is useful because money can help you pay for stuff! Or use the discount code TIMEWASTER, at the checkout. Now back to your regularly scheduled chapter of The Mercenaries. *Play some theme tune here that sounds cool and epic.*_

The Super Pershing moved into the square, drifting a complete 180, its frontal armour facing towards the Panzer IV only 100 meters away_. It looks like we have a Mexican standoff. 'Maho the high school kid.' Vs 'Helen 'Golden Girl' Golding'._ The barrels staring at each other waiting for the trigger to be pulled.

"WAAAIT!" Helen raised her hand to stop. "You speak English? You know English, tea, crumpets, fish and chips, Mary fucking Poppins?!" She shouted over to Miho, as both tanks stared at each other. Miho looked rather dazzled by this and began shaking her head.

"Ok... me no what to fight, me want to be your friend, me got lost, on the way to Tokyo, with big tank." Her hands danced frantically with every word gesturing to herself and Miho. Whilst kicking her gunner violently in the shoulder.

"I wish to surrender." The gun flashed and the shell smashed dead on the Panzer IV's hull. The flag raised. They had won.

_Told you, easy. Anime is so predictable. But thou must do what thy script commands._

"Good job ladies, now Maho is going to give us the wonga and maybe a free kiss as I think it's the first time she's beaten her sister. Well more like we beat Miho, but who cares really."

Miho climbed out of her knocked out Panzer and stormed over to the Super Pershing.

"It seems you have company Helen." D said over the intercom.

Miho climbed up onto the tank and looked down onto the seated Helen.

"あなた、あなたは不潔な詐欺師です。」" _Ok__ Google translate time._ ""You, you are a filthy cheater." Miho said with unimaginable anger.

"Go home little girl, your GF Yukari needs you, to put together a Tiger II model she was gifted by some 'friends'." She said back to Miho in perfect Japanese, as she closed her eyes tilting her head as sparkles flew off her face *_insert EHHMMM anime trope noise here__.*_ Miho glared at her.

"Ok tar tar." Helen slammed the hatch closed, the tank started to move as Miho stumbled and fell of the tank landing on her backside on the ground below, with the rest of anglerfish team running over to her aid.

"Are you ok Miho?" Saori said out of breath.

"Yes, yes I'm fine. It's Just that commander she wasn't from Kuromorimine."

"Of course, the tanks a Super Pershing why would Kuromorimine use a tank like that?" Yukari added looking at the tank in owe as it moved away.

"Why would my sister do something like this?" Miho questioned the others as they help her up.

"I think she is disparate to beat you maybe?" Hana added.

The Super Pershing rolled towards the main screens with the Kuromorimine school and supporters celebrating ecstatically, with the Ooarai fans booing them with them entering the main stage. As Helen lapped it all up, cupping her ear towards the Ooarai fans. She climbed out and walked over to Maho's Tiger scarred by the battle but still operational, Maho was talking with Erika, Erika notice Helen approaching and tapped Maho on the shoulder pointing towards her.

Maho turned, "Thank you, Helen." She mumbled to her and bowed, followed by Erika. _Because of course._ "But how?"

"If you think I have fucking magic no I don't. Do I wear only panties to you? Do I have stupid ears and a fucking tail!"

Maho face was full of confusion, she looked down at Helen skirt black Kuromorimine uniform and up at her face. "What are you on about?"

"Well, you can thank me later me and my crew is expecting a great freeze frame slow pan dinner ceremony. And if anyone uses the word Poi, wears any bunny hat hair band or most importantly has anything to do with planes or ships involving magic in any way, there will be stabbings." Erika moved from behind Maho and move into Helens eyesight. "Hay you, Bitch Face Mc fuck Wit, yes you Erika, you were supposed to give me protection on my flanks, if you wasn't following your waifu like a dog on a lead, we could have won without me even needed to read a couple paragraphs ahead ya dumb bitch."

Erkia's mouth was wide open as she clinched her hands into fists and marched over to Helen.

"Come on Erika hit me, I wouldn't mind punching your big blue googly eyes." As Helen crossed her arms and pulled of a face so smug you would think, she was practicing this for a long time. _My mirror must get so bored of me practicing it._

Erika got to within a couple of centimetres from Helens face, as she could feel the hot air of Erika blowing out onto her face as she panted trying her best to remain calm infront of all the spectators. "Helen apologize now!" As she looked down into Helens face.

"Yeah ok, I'm more scared getting crushed to death by Katyusha than by you."

Erika drew her arm back, her fist made contact with Helens cheek.

_Wow she had the balls I'll give her that, but that means thinks are about to get messy and that's my middle name. _

Helen took a step back placing her hand on her red cheek. She tasted the familiar taste of iron in her mouth. The rest of her crew jumped out of there tank walking over to Helen rather indifferently, this was like any day in the office for them.

"Hold me back!" Helen shouted "She's going to get the full wrath…" Helen looked behind her stopped a meter away, her crew all shook their heads, arms crossed. "Ok Erika, I'm going to let you off with a warn..."

Another fist crashed into Helens stomach this time. She fell to the floor coughing and spluttering.

"Well done Erika, I couldn't have put it any better myself." Maho said inspecting Erika's handy work.

"As they say action speaks louder than words." Erika said back with a large grin on her face.

"Are you a tea girl now Erika?" Helen panted as more refreshing air entered into her winded stomach. "I could do this all day!" Helen shouted from the floor grasping her stomach.

"Of course, you can." Erika responded back in an unusually mocking tone, as both Maho and Erika walked off together into the sunset.

G walked over to her commander offering her a hand up. "That's 17 after fights now, and you've still not won one."

"Thanks, I like that your keeping a record, it keeps me motivated to do more. I think she's a kinky one in the bedroom. Maho needs to watch out for that. It's gonna be like a scene from 50 shades of grey in there." Helen added looking over to the two girls walking off. She started to unbutton her blazer revealing a white shirt with a photoshoped picture of Franklin D Roosevelt doing skateboarding tricks in a wheelchair. "I thought this blazer was made by Hugo Boss, I don't think I like the colour reminds me of some bloke with a thin moustache, his names on the tip of my tongue, he had something to do with fun camps or something similar." She shrugged and looked over to B as she slinged the blazer over her shoulder.

B looked down at her phone her fingers danced around screen. "It looks like we are staying here for a while, it's called." Her mouth opened and closed as she made noises to try and pronounce the name. "Jat… Jatko…sota High School? I think."

"Oh, I know that one! The Mika Shimada Theory commander herself, lovely, her and Mako are like peas in a pot smoking all that dope."

"Um, what your making that up about Mika being related to… Thee Shimada family?" D said back.

"Well, it's probably worth the google." Helen added giving her a smile as she spat some blood out onto the floor.

The girls all clambered up onto the tank. The super Pershing coughed into life and the engine roared as they headed towards the large orange globe of the setting sun. Running over the tables and chairs for the after-meal ceremony, as Kuromorimine girls yelled and shaked their fists rather hysterically at the tank that began to crushed more tables and chairs as it left the area.

Cast

Helen Golding : Helen Golding

Jail bait 1 : G

Jail bait 2 : L

Jail Bait 3 : B

Scottish Jail Bait : D

Miho Nishazumi : Maho Nishazumi

An angry grey hair teen : Erika Itsumi

Maho Nishazumi : Miho Nishazumi

A horny loner : Saori Takebe

Flower power : Hana Isuzu

I dress up as Tankfest : Yukari Akiyama

Gimme the blood thinners : Mako Reizei

Montymyphyon hack fraud : Writer/Director/Producer etc.

_Obligatory after credits scene._

_You join me now as we observe the wild Italian mammal called Anchovy. It's fearsome whip scares the living fuck out of anyone beneath it. She is in her local habitat… The kitchen. Preparing a meal it gathered from ... Hay kid stop it keep quiet, yes that's Anchovy over there you see that wig yeah its good isn't it. No no. Don't touch it ok, or you'll become retarded too. Sorry readers my little cousin wanted to see her favourite Sensha-do star, she's in her house in the kitchen cooking at the moment. We have sneaked into the garden and we're hiding like peeping Toms behind a bush, if you ask nicely my little one she may give you some of her pizza or cook you in a spaghetti bolognaise, it's a 50/50. Let's walk over and say hi. Her back door is open anyway that's like an open invite for food anyway. Anchovy?... What you doing? Oh god? Pepperoni what are you doing there like that? What is the sea creature doing there? Kid turn away cover your ears, or smash your face into the ground I don't care just don't look at this scene. Actually … no here's some money go get some pizza from a fast food place I can't say for legal reasons. Quick run, run god dam it. Don't come back till I say so! Stay there with the middle aged and under payed pizza boys they will look after you, wait till I call you... Ok she's gone, now you two!_

_... Can I join in? _


End file.
